Here's the introduction (prologue thru chapter 2) to my story, nearly 10k words. I didn't want to lose the formatting (especially the underlining) so it's in googledocs open share:
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
I'm pretty sure the 1st 2 points are because I write late at night so I'm less concerned/incapable of consistency.
The 3rd one is a problem I've been having during certain scenes. Decided that I would just do a rough outline type thing for now if I was having trouble and expand and rearrange things later. The first ~15 or so pages are more representative since it flows better and only covers one day of time. A lot of the newer stuff in comparison does like 1 day in 3-4 pages so you can think of it like a storyboard with gaps between the major points that will be filled in down the production line.
EDIT: Also it seems my strength truly is slice of life or at least it's much easier to churn out massive walls of text about it. The Mugi arc is definitely the most lighthearted and fun to write since it has all kinds of shenanigans like mock gun fights, silly costumes/outfits, trolling, etc. It's kinda hilarious because the "childhood friend triangle" is like the least important story thread at least on the surface until they merge with the 4th main heroine's path. Oh Haruhi you can tell this was originally meant to be a visual novel. No seriously in my draft I have notes marking where branch point should be except now it's a change in perspective thing. I'm pretty sure I explained this but the first 3 arcs run concurrently with intersections here and there and are led by Daisuke, Akane and Yuki. The 4th heroine arc pretty much joins the other 3 together fully into an obvious main path (since a lot of the things are behind the scenes). This was originally planned as an unlockable route for true end.
EDIT2:
Original post by (≦∀゚*) Hehe, feeling Higurashi-ish already x3
I can't help it since I began a few months after the original aired. I actually started this project almost 5 years ago because of Katawa Shoujo. Actually let me just reference my notes:
[ATCG (formerly known as E8)] is a visual novel project started by two friends interested in Katawa Shoujo, another visual novel project originally started on 4chan's /a/. While discussing KS during an English class , Honya asked said friend if there has ever been a game where you try to date a tentacle monster. After much laughter Honya drew out a loli tentacle monster and Project [ATCG] was born.
Fun fact: The inspiration for Mugi came from the prototypes of who are now known as KS's Hanako and Lily orz. Actually I might have even recycled some story ideas I came up with from those couple of weeks I was trying to join the original KS team. It's pretty easy to tell where a lot of my other ideas stemmed from too.
_________________
>>28016 Need help writing slice-of-life! I mostly use 'slice-of-life' as an opportunity to talk about the world aka moderated campaign setting infodump. Need more help writing strange characters! Honestly, this stuff is your specialties.
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
Will need help myself on action scenes. Even though I can imagine them in my head I can't quite get down in words well. Have a few minor friendly "fights" already but they're pretty halfassed at the moment. Also have to write some Metal Gear-esque gun/knife fight scenes later too between Sam and Mugi. Find it kinda annoying since it's all pure text now and I won't be doing the supplementary art for a long while.
EDIT: As a side note I'm looking forward to rewriting stuff into ATCG from my older and chronologically earlier series. It'll be especially fun to write some mother-daughter conversations referencing things that happened in the prequel Strawberry Milk. It was basically a slice of life about teenage girl Megumi who ends up teaching chemistry at a high school some old friends of the same age attend. She tries to keep it a secret but her student friends eventually discover she has a kid in the later part of the series; Her "husband" subs in for her and accidentally mentions she's at home taking care of her sick daughter. Thankfully they all keep quiet about it since at this point in the story Megumi has built up a huge amount of respect in her classes. It's pretty much shenanigans with a few serious parts here and there namely why such a young girl has a child.
(If anyone is curious and wants to put faces on the characters I'm namedropping reference my universal main cast roster. Well I guess it's not technically universal since it's missing characters from my children's story Kanna.)
_________________
>>28021 Well, I can help with that if need be, although my combat scene writing style isn't choreographic as much as tactical, even in 1v1 duels--- most of the time is spent figuring out and attempting to counter the other side's style and penetrate their defense.
Why is the TIP cast on your roster? xD
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
I was on a roll that week so I decided to just draw that as well. On that note there is going to be cosplay shenanigans involving Sofiya/Hikari costumes because a certain character is a fan of the game. ATCG incorporates everything of mine into 1 universe. Actually universe is the wrong term to describe my cosmology but you get the point.
_________________
Took a lot longer than I expected, partially because of F/extra, and mostly because I had to overhaul quite a few scenes. Chapter 5 should also be in part 2 but isn't quite done with yet.
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
EDIT: added chapter 5 to finish up part 2 (now just over 20,000 words for this section)
>>28047 Just to note Paul, although I plan to send a msg to remind again on Friday, but we won't be meeting this Friday night since most of the group has a final that night or next day.
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
@(≦∀゚*): Yeah, I'll be happy to read over. Probably won't be able to do anything major until next month though; Trying to power through some things of my own before the end of the year.
_________________
Finished 3rd major editing pass and fully editted up to Chapter 10 now. Completely rehammer much of the dialog (especially those surrounding MC) in the earlier chapters during 2nd/3rd pass...
So I'm passing around for more beta reading... any advice, recommendations, suggestions, (constructive)bashing, whatevers would be greatly recommended ^o^
Probably going to be putting this on the LN community sites soon~
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
An experimental prologue (pacing vs exposition balance) that may lead to the basis of what I'll be writing (or continuing to write) this year. It also sets up the world that my novel-writing is based on.
Basically, my pride as a writer and as a worldbuilder on the line here! (but as I keep telling beta-readers, the more blunt any thoughts are, the most I appreciate it :3)
It's only 1800words (4pages) long :3
Spoiler:
Prologue I - Birth of a Nation - The Fracturing Emergence of Three
(One hundred and seven Terran-years ago...)
"---And so I present to you, the Constitution of the Star Republic of Avalon!"
The standing ovation that followed washed through the Grand Chamber of Representatives like a tidal wave, drowning out even the celebratory calls from those less sophisticated.
It was hard to imagine that this massive chamber was built almost overnight, courtesy of modern nanite construction technology. It was like an enclosed circular amphitheater, with suites of clustered seating forming concentric rings; their heights dropped sharply as it neared the center, where an elevated podium seated the Speaker of the Floor and other dignitaries. Each suite was built like a balcony, with at least half dozen seats and designed to hold multiple representatives from a single sector. Spanning several hundred meters from one side to the other, the colossal chamber held hundreds of suites and could accommodate thousands of politicians.
Right now, less than a quarter of those seats were filled, and no more than a third of those present were legally elected representatives. The rest were simply 'trusted' individuals hand-picked by whatever temporary civilian governance still available in each sector.
It couldn't be helped. After all, the bloody war that lasted five whole years only ended a week ago when the last of the Magelords fell. Even now, isolated pockets of resistance under the old Avalonian Dominion continued to hold out against the rebellion.
...No, it was a rebellion no longer. The glory of victory has guaranteed a new role in which history would remember them --- not as felons committing high treason, but martyrs and revolutionaries.
Five years ago, seven generals had coordinated a coup de'tat against the Dominion over the unjust and inhumane policies it took to sequester the deadly Great Eldritch Plague --- or at least, deadly to those of magical power, while the untalented folks could remain as unaffected carriers for life. Today, only three of these generals remained, proudly bearing the single-starburst rank insignias of Marshal as they graciously shook hands with one another on the podium. They then turned towards the battle-hardened admirals and Centurion aces that surrounded them, their words lost in midst of the continued thunderous applause as they shook hands with each and every one.
They were all heroes. They had all fought for this day with their very lives. Therefore it was only right that they be here to bless the birth of a new nation.
So the explanation went...
Yet to those who kept their wits, who counted off each person without being swept away by the mood, it was obvious that several individuals who made decisive contributions to the war were missing.
(Roomful of civilian sheep being led by military wolves... some Republic.)
Vice Admiral Leslie Manhattan stood up in a guest suite and left the Grand Chamber of Representatives in a dour mood, stepping into one of the diamondweave-glass-covered corridors that weaved across the building's exterior.
She looked out of the glass walls and her gaze swept across central Rennes. The once largest metropolis on the planet of Brocéliande had been torn apart by brutal street-to-street fighting; yet in just a few months, it was rebuilt as though nothing had happened. But a careful look told her that the buildings were too new, their interiors still too empty, and nano-lathing construction machines continued to prowl the streets and its airways.
Civilizations could be rebuilt in the blink of an eye, but its people could not be replaced so easily.
Her heart ached with guilt as she saw the brilliant hue of the new constructor model's ether core, but it soon disappeared behind an empty building.
(Some superficial patches and they're already greedily dividing the spoils.)
Leslie had seen the new Constitution. She had tried her best to put a stop to it. But too few had remained her allies after her fall from grace.
The founding articles of this nation laid its path to decline before it could even be born. The Republic may be electoral, but with its actual power divided amongst a tricameral legislature plus an executive without sufficient power, it was guaranteed to bury any undesirable topic under mountains of red tape.
Then who would decide what was undesirable?
The Shadow Kings --- the Marshals, of course.
It was a magnificent plan. Instead of fighting over power in a war that no longer had justification, why not work together to rule over the foolish masses that saw only the boons they were promised?
Longevity treatments for all would more than double the human lifespan, much of it spent with the vitality and youth of the twenties. Implants and public networks guaranteed free healthcare for life and entertainment over the virtual reality channels. Basic stipends ensured that none will ever starve as long as the system stayed. Even their need to voice opinions was covered under the universal right to vote for Representatives, Counselors, and Senators.
It seemed like utopia.
But its true goal was appeasement.
How many people would remain brave enough to risk their lives in defiance under such conditions? To challenge modern security and military efficiency when they had nearly two centuries of healthy, gratifying lives, be it in reality or in virtual. Even if they had grievances, even if the system frustrated them, they could reconcile themselves with the notion that they had tried through the electoral system. They would be forced to accept that there were simply not enough dissidents like them to enforce change.
Would there still be challengers to the system? Always, but not enough.
Not as long as the Marshals kept just enough people satisfied, with just the right people in power at the right places.
After all, Democracy was a matter of wealth and manipulation like any other program of public relations and propaganda. Enough money and influence exerted in the right direction will always sink popularity into a sea of rumors, accusations, and misleading reports.
The Oligarchy of the Dominion was indeed replaced by a Representative Republic, but one with its leash held in the hands of a Stratocracy of three warlords.
The reign of the three military districts has begun.
(And I helped them do it.)
Vice Admiral Leslie Manhattan, Commander of the Office of Research and Development, foremost expert in the field of life sciences and magic across humanity.
Yet behind her back, people have already began calling her the Soul Binder --- one who turned the tide of the war by enslaving an entire population for eternity.
(...Only because I wanted to save my comrades, save the man I once admired, even loved.)
She could still remember the forced smile on Marshal, no, General Kai Mannerheim during those hopeless days.
By inventing the Soul Binding spellword, she had brought the light of hope to the rebels during their darkest hour. Combined with the ancient Crystal Prison spell and cast upon a modern genetically-enhanced mage, or 'Genie' as popular terms went, it produced a crystal that refined natural mana to malleable ether and allowed even those without the gift of magic to harness the powers of mystical tools.
They were called 'Arvitor Crystals', as 'Arvitor' was quickly being adopted as the new, politically correct term for 'Genie'. The alien word sounded even more disconnected from humanity, as it stood for 'Arcane Servitor', a phrase first discovered when they broke through the Dominion central research database and uncovered files labeled The Imperium Project.
Leslie was often called a genius, but she wasn't blind to common sense. She knew the dangers the moment she looked into the first crystal and saw the tiny 1/25th girl within, suspended in an awakened form of stasis, her eyes wide with terror.
But she had been too naive and too desperate back then. The Dominion's EtherTech arsenal had crushing superiority over the rebels in every engagement, and she thought her invention could save the cause before it was locked away forever.
After all --- who would allow something as barbaric and wretched as slavery to persist in this day and age?
But her mistakes didn't stop there.
Like a fool, she continued to develop ethertech adaptable for everyday use, be it the restoration modules that allowed man to benefit from eight hours of rest in only two, or the immunity bio-implants that would prevent almost any illness. Time and health were top priorities during any war, after all.
Worse yet, she encouraged the same of everyone who worked under her. Not only would their development lead to a faster end to the war, but also improve the quality of life afterwards; two birds with one stone, who could ask for anything better?
Five years later, it had been written into law: all Arvitors were stripped of their rights of man and hunted down for 'Crystallization', all Arvitor Crystals henceforth classified as properties of the State.
The edict met overwhelming approval, and not just because the Genies and the Magelords have thoroughly ruined public goodwill towards them due to their social policies. Policies that steadily grew more prejudiced against non-magical people over the course of over three hundred years until it treated them, nearly half the populace, with blatant inferiority.
Leslie had underestimated just how much society was willing to lie to itself, to turn a blind eye when their quality of life was at stake. With magical ethertech supplementing technology at every level within the Avalonian society, the only way the those very promises that everyone wished for could be kept, was by continuing the practice of utilizing Arvitor Crystals. Unless magic and ether remained in abundant supply, the State simply could not uphold their production gains and economic development.
With growth they would demand more ether, with demand they would need more crystals, for human souls remained the only medium capable of converting mana into ether, the fuel of all magic.
When the supply of Arvitor Crystals became a limiting factor of social growth decades down the road, what then?
Leslie didn't even want to think about it; she already knew the terrifying answer.
It was a cycle that spun out of control, and she had done her hardest to push civilization into it.
(What will history books remember me as?)
The Soul Binder who became the role model for an entire generation of immoral engineers, who innovated with no regard for ethics, who ruined an entire people and helped establish a government that would rule with a new form of tyranny for centuries to come.
As she stepped onto a glass elevator, Leslie let go of another sigh, one that expressed not mere depression or resignation, but the very last vestiges of a will that was being eaten away by guilt with every passing day.
...
A week later, Vice Admiral Leslie Manhattan, one of the greatest engineers that would grace the history of humankind, was found dead in her cabin, her skull shattered and a needler pistol in hand.
Autopsy claimed that she had committed suicide, but more than a few officers questioned whether it was an assassination ordered by Marshal Mannerheim to silence the admiral, protégée, and ex-lover who once sat in his inner circle and knew simply far too much.
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
It's interesting and not tedious, but I'm unsure about inserting it as a prologue - making it the first thing your readers see - for a couple of reasons:
First of all, it puts too much distance between Kannon and the action of the plot. Consider this - your first chapter also includes a pseudo-prequel focusing heavily on Kannon's mother, Vivianne. That means you're looking at 5-6 pages before Kannon, the character that we as readers are supposed to invest in the most, even gets to take center stage.
And she doesn't even get a name for another chapter-and-a-half! Not to mention that a lot of your beta readers have said that her personality isn't strong enough to make them immediately interested. Taken all together, her position is a little too precarious for you to NOT establish her within the first few scenes. In this case your character has to take precedence over your setting, I think, for the good of your narrative.
The other risk you run with a prologue like this is overloading your reader with too much world-specific jargon. For hard sci-fi fans this will roll off their backs, but if you're interested at all in courting a wider audience, it's best to get us behind Kannon, herself a stranger to the world you're bringing us into, and have reader and narrator learning together on the job. Personally, I think that anytime you can have the reader and a main character sharing a role together like that, it's a very positive thing.
The third reason I'm doubtful about this prologue is that I think you did a pretty good job of introducing the Arvitor Crystals, which is fully one-half of the focus of this piece, within the context of your main narrative. Kannon mentions feeling dubious about them, and I think your readers will realize what they are and feel the same way without any need to be ham-fisted about it.
Now all that said, there is still pretty good stuff - regarding the true nature of this government and Dr. Manhattan's motivations and feelings about what she's done. Is there a way you could incorporate this later on? In a flashback, or in a diary or a textbook that a character uncovers?
_________________ Literacy is the best tech.
>>28941 Haha, thanks for the advice. In fact, I agree with a lot of what you said, especially since I have personal thoughts about this end myself:
In this case your character has to take precedence over your setting, I think, for the good of your narrative.... a prologue like this is overloading your reader with too much world-specific jargon
That being said, I think I failed to note one thing clearly: this is not replacing my existing prologue, or appended before it. I'm mostly thinking of using this as a prologue for the second story. Thus I can use the first story as a prequel/slow entry for those not use to all this scifi/fantasy babble, and the second story as a crash course straight into the action for those who'd rather walk straight into a minefield rather than slowly stepping. I'm still pondering how well this'll work, since too much of the character development happens in the story now... but yeah.
Effectively, yes, this will be incorporated 'later on'; since in some ways it's a compact summary of vol1 setting exposition.
_________________ "Allow me to warn you that challenging my ingenuity is a dangerous sort of project, and may tend to make your life a lot more surreal." "You crazy bastard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
I've gone ahead and written down most of the rules and details of the fictional sport "Hardball" that I intend to place at the center of a new writing project. Anybody, feel free to let me know if any of it is hard to understand. In general, know that this game plays like a demented combo between soccer and dodgeball.
HARDBALL
RULES OF THE GAME: Played by two teams of 6 people on a field the size of a regulation soccer pitch
The object of the game is to score more points than the opponent by striking opposing players with either of the 2 balls on the field
The game takes place during one 15-minute period
As this is a futuristic sport, players on both teams wear "Augmented Equipment" that allows them to run at high speeds, throw at high velocity, jump very high and float for a few seconds. Holographic visors provide real-time stat readouts. Personal force fields protect players from catastrophic injury, but not bruising or pain.
Teams consist of four types of players in any combination or number: 1. Strikers - Each team must have at least 1 Striker. Are given a speed boost relative to other players on the field. When they possess a ball, it becomes a "Strike Ball" - the only ball that can score points. 2. Defenders - Are given an arm strength boost relative to other players on the field. Have "lasso/sash" equipped which allows them to grab balls out of the air and throw them. When they possess a ball, it becomes a "Shield Ball" - negates 1 future point scored on the shielded player, unless part of a combo. 3. Sappers - Receive no boosts relative to other players on the field. Equipped with a lasso/sash longer than that of the Defenders. When they possess a ball, it becomes a "Sap Ball" - players struck by this ball are temporarily slowed by 50%. 4. Accelerators - Like Sappers in most respects. When they possess a ball, it becomes an "Accel Ball" - players struck by this ball receive a +1 bonus to their next Strike or Shield.
Balls only change their effect when possessed by a player. While contested, any player struck by a ball receives its effect, for good or for ill. Players who react well can cause the other team to sabotage themselves or bolster their opponents.
If a ball is caught, its effect is nullified. Balls must ricochet off players to take effect.
Special scoring rules: 1. Combos - When a Strike Ball hits 2 or more opposing players in a single throw, each successive hit gains +1 point. At the end of the combo, the total points are multiplied by the number of players hit. (Hit 3 players: 1+2+3 points x 3 = 18 points.) Combos are often the key to victory.
2. Rush - Each team has a "home zone" on their respective end of the field. They may retreat into this zone at any time to regroup. Players on opposing teams who press into this zone suffer speed and strength penalties and visual noise on their holo-HUDS, but receive a x2 multiplier on any points scored against their defending opponents.
Team rosters include 6 starters and 6 backups.
_________________ Literacy is the best tech.
Although this organization has members who are University of Virginia students and may have University employees associated or engaged in its activities and affairs, the organization is not a part of or an agency of the University. It is a separate and independent organization which is responsible for and manages its own activities and affairs. The University does not direct, supervise or control the organization and is not responsible for the organization’s contracts, acts or omissions.